Little Bean and Marcipan Piglet

On July 13th Marcipan Piglet said mom to me, but the occasion was to sad to
post about. We were in the emergency room because she had scalded her leg
with some hot water from a thermos she knocked over, and she was calling
out to me to help. Poor little baby. She's fully healed now, but she was
unusually solemn for a long time after. She used to be a little ray of
sunshine, always smiling and grinning, but she's been more cautious and
fearful since.

Today I heard my Little Bean say her first word - which she already said
yesterday to her grandad when I didn't hear it! Today, luckily, she said it
again. My father was stacking blocks and reciting their colors, and as he
said "green" she repeated 'eeeen after him, grinning. He says she also said
blue yesterday.

MP now has six teeth. I didn't write down when she got them. LB is growing
her first bottom teeth, I can see them about to break through, and she
keeps licking her gum.

MP can stand up on her own, when she has something to balance against, and
she can crawl for real. LB is now very good at rolling, and good at pushing
up on her arms and dragging herself along. She can get most places she
wants to go, and doesn't ever hop on the back of her head and her heels
anymore. MP can climb off and on my bed at will now.

I finally framed the hand prints I took on their six months birthday, it
looks really cute. I think I'll do another print when they turn one.

Yesterday, Marcipan Piglet kissed me for the first time. She was being
a little bit clingy, because we had been to a meeting about babies and
sun protection down at the church community center. Both she and LB
had fun looking at the other babies, but they were not able to nap
properly sitting in my lap and were overtired.

When we got home and I left MP alone to put LB to bed, she missed me
and started crying and calling for me, and when I picked her up, she
gave me a hug around the neck (she has done this before, probably
starting about 2 months ago, I think? Around the same time I started
breastfeeding her less,) and then she leaned back and gave me a big,
sloppy kiss on the chin. At first I thought she was trying to bite me,
because she finds it soothing to gum at my fingers, and sometimes she
also bites my fingers gently to try out her two tiny new teeth, but
there was no hint of biting or gumming, and then when she kissed me
again I understood that that was what she was doing. It was very
touching, and we shared a big smile and a laugh about it. She was
obviously happy that I had understood and appreciated her gesture.

A few days ago, she made her little purring engine sound at me, and
instead of making it back at her, I only smiled, and this hurt her
feelings. She has become very interested in social gestures, and her
grandfather is certain she has said "hi" to him twice. Her "first
word" was hi, not as a real word, but as babbling that sounded like a
clearly pronounced word. We spent about a week saying hi to each other
over and over again, before she moved on to saying "oh", which LB also
learned. Anyway, MP is definitely able to say "hi", and I do believe
she's picked up on the meaning of it as well. She understands a lot of
what I say.

MP invented the engine sound, a trilling in the back of the throat,
back when she first started babbling. I don't remember how old she
was, but we quickly started using it affectionately with each other,
and LB picked it up a couple of weeks later. Now we all use it to mean
"I love you", and MP and LB will both say it at me and their
grandparents and each other. LB also once said it to a nurse at the
hospital when we went for a check up, whom I believe she remembered
from when we stayed there for the first month of her life.

Today I made waffles for brunch for myself, because I fasted
yesterday. I have developed a healthy recipe, with whole grain wheat
and coconut and lots of butter, and no added sugar. At first I made
them with whole kernels of rye, but today I left those out because the
kids seem to like the waffles and it's difficult to share them while
picking out the kernels.

MP and LB between them ate two waffle hearts, MP probably a little
more than LB because she's better at chewing and swallowing. They
enjoyed them a lot, and kept asking for more, and I was so proud of
them. Little Bean used a perfect pincer grip! Several times, she took
bits of waffle from my hand with her index finger and thumb. MP still
makes a little sticky fist around food, even when she makes an effort
to extend her fingers, and then she has difficulty putting the food
into her mouth.

Afterwards, I gave them each a glass of water which they were happy to
drink. MP spilled most of hers down the front of herself, and would
probably have been happy for a refill, but I don't want her to get
tired and frustrated from practicing drinking from a glass, and she'd
recently had her breakfast of a whole bottle of milk, so she was not
extremely thirsty. LB drank her glass in very fine style, tipping her
head back and using her bottom lip to form a seal without lapping at
the glass or the water with her tongue. She had only a few drops of
water on her shirt.

The fertility clinic took two blood tests two days apart to see how my
hCG levels were (much too low and not increasing properly). I started
spotting with brown, old-looking blood and reading up on the internet
told me it was likely a blighted ovum - which is when the placenta
develops but for some reason, probably genetic error, the fetus
doesn't - or an ectopic pregnancy. (The nurse called it a biochemical
pregnancy, but I think they use that for all non-viable self-aborting
pregnancies. She didn't know what a blighted ovum was.)

So rather than hoping I was pregnant I started hoping for a blighted
ovum. I don't want the danger of something growing in one of my tubes!

Last night I started spontaneously aborting. I don't think the timing
was a coincidence, when I became consciously aware that something was
wrong is when it started, and I tried to think good thoughts to my
uterus. It needed the encouragement because it was extremely painful.
I broke out in a cold sweat from the pain, shook all over so I could
hardly walk, and had to get a bucket to put next to my bed in case it
got so bad I threw up. It was was a close thing, but I found a good
position that didn't put too much of a strain on my uterus and
distracted myself with an audiobook, and eventually it was over.

Now I have what resembles an ordinary period.

The nurse was very kind to me, and offered that I could call and talk
to them any time. I'm not too upset that this pregnancy wasn't viable,
because I could sort of feel it already. Even those first two days
before the first blood test where I thought it was real, it seemed odd
to me that I had not felt pregnant at all. Looking at it positively, I
now know that my eggs can be fertilized and that they can attach to
the wall of the uterus. But at the same time I am also upset, because
this has been a tough experience to go through, with the emotional ups
and downs, the pain, and with the constant worry that I will not
manage to get pregnant now that I have used up 4 tries out of the 6 I
am allowed.

---

Update May 29th, 2015.

This is when I stopped updating my journal, huh. I was not horribly, horribly upset by my failed pregnancy, but it did bother me. My last two tries at insemination also failed, and it was very stressful for me. I quit my job, thinking the stress from overwork and heavy responsibility was making it more difficult for me to get pregnant, and then at the first try at in vitro fertilization I had success!

I only had two viable eggs, and asked to have both inserted to double my chance. Both of them grew, despite some difficulties, and I now have two wonderful children. I'm not sure if I'll be able to have more, and if I do, I probably can't use the same sperm donor, though that would be my preference. Legally there's a limit to how many offspring a donor can have, and I have not gotten around to calling the sperm bank and reserving some. I'm superstitiously afraid that if I call I will be told there is no more, so I haven't called.

I met an old friend who also chose to become a single parent yesterday. She had a child earlier than me, and I was a little jealous. Now I feel extremely lucky, having two healthy babies, because her little boy has just been diagnosed with a disability.

Okay, second attempt! I felt guilty leaving work, and tried to make it
quick. There and back only took 45 minutes, as I didn't have to wait
at all. It was the doctor who never introduced herself who inseminated
me this time, and there was a nursing student there as well. I
distracted myself making smalltalk with the student, but it was hardly
necessary as this doctor whose name I don't know is very gentle. The
first one expanded the speculum until it hurt, and scraped my cervix
with the catheter, so I was pleasantly surprised that it could be done
so quickly and painlessly.

I hope this time I won't have as much nausea as I did last time. My
mother is worried that I will be nauseous and hypersensitive to smells
tomorrow at her birthday party, but I don't think it happened that
quickly last time? I don't really remember. I'm optimistic that I will
be more relaxed and not as hyperfocused on all my physical sensations
this time.

The doctor asked me to take a pregnancy test the 28th. They're closed
between Christmas and New Year's, so I may not be able to book time
for a new insemination should I need one, but of course I hope it
won't be necessary.

Got my period :-/

Once the pregnancy hormones I had injected were out of my system, I
stopped feeling pregnant, so I'm not really surprised. Though I had
hoped my PMS was pregnancy symptoms, and almost managed to fool
myself, given that my period (and the early warnings) were two days
early. I guess because of the hormones I injected?

Sunday I went and was scanned again, this time by a woman. She didn't
offer to have a nurse present, and I didn't ask for one. She was kind,
but seemed a bit stressed, and she was not as gentle as the first
fertility doctor. While it did hurt a bit, it also seemed easier not
to have to deal with covering my lower body with a napkin, or the
doctor slowly searching around for where to put the scanner. More
matter of fact.

The doctor told me I had an egg maturing so that I should inject
myself with something to provoke ovulation Tuesday, and then go to be
inseminated Thursday.

She also asked me again about my preferences for the anonymous donor.
It's not completely reassuring that the first list was apparently
lost, but it was nice to be able to add a few inches to the height of
the donor, since the first doctor misinterpreted my "Average height,
like me" to mean someone a bit shorter than average height for a male.

My brother told me afterwards, when we were having coffee and I was
telling him about my plans, that I should have asked for someone
taller, and someone of a different race.I don't think there's really
any point in trying to have a "designer child" when I have no way of
evaluating the other parent, though.

After the doctor had scanned me, I had to talk to a nurse, who
explained to me how to inject myself using a pen-like injector. She
told me very seriously how important the timing was, and how they
suggested the timing of the injection in ten minute intervals related
to when the insemination was scheduled.

I was very nervous about having to inject myself, and accidentally
didn't read the complete set of instructions. I figured what the nurse
had shown me was what I was expected to know, and that timing was
important. So I read the pamphlet, then hurriedly jabbed the syringe
into my stomach skin, depressed the plunger, and pulled the syringe
out. I saw a drop of the medicine dangling from the tip then, and was
a bit concerned.

Then I saw that what I had read was not the actual pamphlet the nurse
had been referring to. There were two pieces of paper in the package,
and I had read the one about restrictions and side effects, which
pretty much said "if self-administering, do the injection the way it
was demonstrated to you by a medical professional". But then the other
piece of paper said to inject slowly, and to keep the syringe in your
skin for at least ten seconds after depressing the plunger completely,
to make sure that the full dose was administered.

I should have looked at everything, of course, but because of being
nervous and tired (it was after my regular bedtime), and because of
having to keep the medicine in the fridge until it was going to be
used, it didn't seem like the other piece of paper was anything
relevant and I hadn't had time to look everything over carefully in
advance. The actual pamphlet didn't look official and medical, the way
the one I read did, more like an ad.

Today, I think I feel the injection site a little bit. I don't think I
should be nervous about doing it wrong, though I will definitely
follow all the instructions to the letter if it should be necessary to
do this again.

Tomorrow I'm going to be inseminated. I have a good feeling about it,
as if it's going to work the first time, like it has for a friend of
mine, but of course I know it might not.

Today I had my pap and chlamydia test with the female doctor I didn't
know. She's much better at using the speculum and the little scrapey
sticks than my regular doctor, and all around very pleasant. I think
I'll try to have my appointments with her from now on, if possible.

She boggled at the fertility doctor for referring me to have the tests
done, since I don't have intercourse. She told me that I couldn't be
infected, in a kind tone but with an undercurrent of "Are you really
that ignorant?" I told her that the fertility clinic need proof, not
just my say-so, so she did the tests without further comment.

Then she said "Take off your pants and assume the position!" I
appreciate that kind of humor, it makes the whole thing so much less
awkward. ...and as I happen to be ovulating right around now, I also
appreciated her confidence and orders in a different way. Normally I'm
not sexually submissive, but I could totally go for her. I tried not
to think about that, as I lay there in the stirrups.

Luckily, I was able to book the appointment for after work, because
today is a long day at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, a meeting
was moved around, which meant having to leave in the middle of
something important. Not as subtle as I would have liked. My boss is
great, and I trust her, but I have no intention of telling her of my
baby plans until and unless something is definitely happening.

On the way home, I got some strong vitamin D from the pharmacy, some
gourmet cheese, and sushi. I got the results from my many and varied
blood tests the day before yesterday, and my hormone levels are
normal! I do have a vitamin D deficiency, which doesn't surprise me,
so I'll be taking both D and folic acid every day from now on.